for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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