My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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