I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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