Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
