he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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