Why are handjobs necessary in class?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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