3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
