i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
