I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
