That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
