I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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