i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
the raccoons are back...
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