I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The air was thick with penises
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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