I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
