All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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