my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize