Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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