Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All the doctor said was why
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
