Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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