Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
