this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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