Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
