do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
