She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
