Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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