"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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