I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize