By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
