you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
