I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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