In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
