community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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