She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
