My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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