I think my vagina is haunted
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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