Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
