y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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