I wish my penis had an off switch
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
