After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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