1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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