Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
