did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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