Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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