So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
