dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
