Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
