I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
