Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
