since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
