this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
