these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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