mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
