And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
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we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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