it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
