Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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