My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
