Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
there is glitter all over my balls
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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