does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
