At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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